Battle Strategy

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, “Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon.”
The captain tells the man,” Get my red coat and prepare for battle!”
The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.
The captain tells the assistant “If I was shot you would not be able to tell I’m bleeding and you would keep fighting.”
The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, “Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!”
The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him “Get me my brown pants!”

Getting Invisible

Psychiatrist’s receptionist comes and says There’s a man out who says he can make himself invisible. Psychiatrist: “Tell him I can’t see him right now.”

How To Control Anger

Dad to son: when i beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: i start cleaning toilet.
Dad: how does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your tooth brush

Save Money

Son to Sardar Ji: Papa i saved 5 rupees by not going by bus but running behind it!! Sardar: O Stupid You should have saved 50 rupees by running behind a Taxi.

First Name & Last Name

Teacher: is it posible that a person name & surname both r same? Sardar: ya, if Lara Dutta marries Brian Lara, she becomes Lara Lara!

Dog needs job

One day, as a dog was walking by a store, he noticed a sign which said, “Now Hiring: must be able to type 70 words per minute, and must be bilingual. Equal opportunity employment.” The dog took the sign in his mouth and brought it into the manager’s office. He set it down on the desk. When the manager realized that the dog was applying for the job, he laughed and said, “I’m not going to hire a dog!” The dog put his paw on the part of the sign that read “equal opportunity employer.” “Well,” said the manager, “let’s see you type 70 words per minute!” He handed the dog a document and watched as the dog perfectly duplicated the document, and well over 70 words per minute. The man looked at the dog. He couldn’t believe it. “Don’t tell me you’re bilingual too.” The dog opened his mouth and said, “Meow.”

Cheap Theropy

Joan went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” she said, “I’ve got big troubles. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. Am I going crazy?”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink, “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those ‘Dude Ranch’ vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

Ain’t nobody under there now!!!”

Tennis Ball 
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

“What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Ouch,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful! I had tennis elbow once.”